


A True Living Hell

by spasticVocalist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Apple Juice, Implied Johnkat, Piss, basically a crackfic + grammar, bro is kind of an afterthought in this whoops, its funny cause that has a double meaning, karkat cursing, sorry bout that i couldnt resist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 03:23:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3312077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spasticVocalist/pseuds/spasticVocalist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat gets pissed and curses Dave. Nothing new there, right?<br/>Wrong.<br/>So, <i>so</i> wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A True Living Hell

CG: FUCK YOU, ASSWIPE.   
TG: gasp  
TG: i cant let you cheat on my bro with me  
TG: that is just wrong on so many levels karkles  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, CAN YOU BE ANY MORE OF A DOUCHEBAG?  
CG: JUST  
CG: GO FUCK YOURSELF.   
TG: right after i stop talking to you  
TG: once again man  
TG: that is wrong on all of the levels  
TG: all of them  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT.   
CG: CURSE YOU AND ALL OF YOUR UNIRONIC FUTURE GENERATIONS, STRIDER.   
CG: FROM THIS POINT FORWARD, EVERY OUNCE OF THAT DISGUSTING YELLOW BEVERAGE THAT YOU ARE SO FUCKING OBSESSED WITH WILL TASTE EXACTLY LIKE THE BODILY FLUID IT RESEMBLES.   
CG: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, DICKWAD?  
CG: EVERY  
CG: LAST  
CG: DROP  
CG: OF APPLE JUICE  
CG: THAT YOU CONSUME  
CG: WILL TASTE LIKE PISS.  
CG: FOR THE REST OF YOUR MUNDANE EXISTENCE.   
CG: YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY, STRIDER.   
TG: haha whatever you say man

\-- carcienoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at ??:?? --

 

Oh, man. 

Messing with Vantas always cheers you up. 

Not that you felt bad before. 

But it would definitely put a smile on your face if you weren't too cool to make such expressions. 

And it's not like he can actually curse you or anything. Curses and magic aren't real, and even if they were, Karkat definitely wouldn't be able to use either of them. Your aj will be fine. 

Speaking of which, you're feeling a bit thirsty. 

Leaving your room, you pass your roommate, John, who is currently lounging on the couch (most likely watching a Nic Cage movie) on your way to the kitchen. As you pad by, he nods toward you in acknowledgment, too preoccupied by the movie to put more effort into a proper greeting. You don't mind. After living together for almost two years, normal greetings become trite. You nod back before you open the fridge, and focus all of your attention on finding the familiar group of bottles in the door rack. 

You grab one and open it. Taking a swig, you promptly spit out the offending liquid and retch for a few moments. You rush to the sink and attempt to rinse out your mouth. Tap water only slightly alleviates the horrible taste. 

Startled, John is in the kitchen in a flash, "What the hell, Dave?"

You gag, rinse your mouth again, and reply, "Oh my god. Dude, did you piss in my aj?"

He stares, bewildered. "What? No!"

"You sure? You've threatened to do it before. Maybe you finally decided to live up to your word." You would glare at him skeptically, but you are far too busy trying to rid your mouth of the lingering taste of urine. 

"I'm positive, man.... Although, you're kind of making me wish I had, right now. My Prankster's Gambit would be rocketing sky high. Especially when you make that face." John pouts at the loss of opportunity. 

You frown at him and return to desperately trying to get your mouth to quit reminding you of pee. "Bro, I think your boyfriend legitimately cursed me." 

"What? Dude, that doesn't make any sense." Your roommate shakes his head as he leans against the counter. "How could Karkat curse you? That stuff isn't even real."

"No, man. I'm serious." You take out your phone and show him your conversation with the aforementioned grumpy male. "He cursed me and now my aj tastes like piss."

John hands back your phone after reading it, still skeptical. "I dunno. I think you're just overreacting. Maybe you've been staying up too late studying for exams."

"No, John. I'm not imagining this."

"How do you know? You've only taken one sip."

"Alright, fine. If this is what it takes to prove to you that I have been cursed, then so be it." You pick up the bottle of apple juice and look at it nervously. Is John right? You know you can be a bit overdramatic at times, but that's usually for ironic purposes. Maybe it is just the lack of sleep getting to you. 

"What's taking you so long, Dave? Are you _scared_?"

Oh hell no. He did not just go there. You glare at John, your gaze refusing to leave his lanky form (you even go so far as to slip your shades down you nose to make sure he knows what you're doing), as you defiantly take another drink of juice. You make sure to spit in his direction this time, once you confirm that the taste of urine has not changed. 

"Aw man dude really?! Eww! Seriously! Fuck bro why would you even do that?" John exclaims as he absconds; presumably to change out of the spit-covered clothing and to get cleaned up. 

"I told you dawg! I warned you 'bout the taste, man!" You shout after him. Speaking of taste, it's back. 

You open the fridge, after setting down the liquid lie, hoping to find something to get rid of it. 

Oh, yes! Perfect!

You grab a can of coke, crack it open, and gulp down two thirds of the can without pausing. Your eyes tear up slightly, but it's a small price to pay for relief from the taste of piss. A taste that doesn't completely leave your tongue, even as you finish off the fizzy drink. 

John returns, wearing a different shirt. "Dude, did you just chug that whole can?"

"Would've if I could've." 

"Ugh. Did it really taste that bad?"

"It tasted like a barf times diarrhea combo on steroids."

He raises his eyebrows at this. "You sure?"

"Would I be letting this much emotion slip if I weren't?" You ask with a microscopic frown. 

He looks you up and down, assessing your emotional state. "Let me see it." He says finally. 

You make no move to stop him as he crosses the room to where you set the bottle on the counter. Although, being the amazing friend you are, you do allow a half-assed protest to escape your lips. "No, John. Don't do it."

He simply rolls his eyes as he picks up the apple juice, if it could even still be called that. 

He makes a big show of taking a sip, showing no signs of disgust or the like. Afterwards, he screws the lid back on, sets the bottle on the counter, and turns back to you with an expression that says, "See? I told you."

You gape at him. "Gimmie that." You mutter and snatch the bottle back off the counter. 

John raises an eyebrow as you open the juice and take the smallest sip physically possible. 

It still tastes like piss. 

"You ok dude?" John asks, his expression worried as he watches you practically stick your head under the faucet. 

At this point, you're getting kind of desperate. Choosing not to reply, you return to the fridge and take out another bottle of apple juice, muttering, "Maybe that one was just bad. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. It just went bad...."

John observes silently as you take a sip of the drink, only to retch and grab a new one to repeat the process. You are nearly halfway through your supply when he finally sighs, shakes his head, and walks out of the room. 

By now, you're crying; tears stream down your face as you search in desperation, but you have yet to find a pure bottle of apple juice. It's all piss. Vantas cursed you and now all of your holy nectar is piss. You're gonna kill him.

\---

You do not get the chance to murder Vantas because John holds you back. Literally. He grabs you by the wrist on your way out of the apartment and does not allow you to leave. 

"I'm not going to let you kill Karkat!" He exclaims. 

"Oh, so you're playing favorites now, are you? Gotta defend your boyfriend before your best friend. Whatever happened to bros before hoes, John? Are you really just going to sit on the wayside and let the bae torment your bro? Am I even your bro anymore? Are you-"

"Dave! Shut up!" John shouts. 

You will allow him this. 

For now. 

"It's just juice, dude. Why are you flipping your shit so hard?"

You shake your head. "No, John. You don't understand. Aj is the nectar of the gods and fucking with it should be punishable by death."

He rolls his eyes. "Stop being such a drama queen."

"No."

"Bro, it's just a drink."

You shake your head and place a hand on his shoulder. "Poor, nīeve, Egderp. It's ok. I forgive you for being so incompetent. It's not your fault you're not cool enough to see its true value." 

"Daaaave. Grow up, man," he frowned. 

"Nah."

~

And so, Dave confronted Karkat, who said: 

CG: WAIT  
CG: YOU MEAN THAT ACTUALLY WORKED.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: REALLY?

Dave was enraged and didn't believe that Karkat didn't think it would actually work. Dave told Karkat he hated him, and they would have entered a beautiful kismesistude, had either of them known what that was. Because Karkat was human in this story and trolls didn't exist. 

Dave eventually went insane from the lack of apple juice and was sent to an asylum. Bro visited him every day out of guilt because he was the one who pissed in all of Dave's aj. He had let John in on his prank, who didn't actually drink the piss, he just pretended to. 

The moral of the story: Don't piss in Dave's aj. 

**~THE END~**


End file.
